Author: theantsybutterflyadmin

I May Not Look Depressed But I Am

I woke up this morning with a headache and I’m pretty sure it’s the same headache I had yesterday. I’m also pretty sure that it’s not my usual run-of-the-mill headache. No, this one is different, and I know what it means.

It means that my depression is starting to resurface.

It means that my mood is starting to slip the way paint slides down a page, slowly yet steady. It means that I better look into my invisible yet handy resource bag stat and pull out some tools I can use to get through what’s coming. read more

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The Day I Recognized That I Need to Change My Language

“You’re going to have to wait for daddy to come home. He’s better at these things than I am. You know, he’s better at figuring out how these things work and following instructions”

I’m sorry, what?

That’s what I said to my kid before I stopped myself in my tracks and took a moment to process what I just said. I just implied to my child – my son – that his dad is better at putting toys together than his mom. I just gave him the idea that his mom isn’t equipped to figure out the complexities of a Transformer (ages 8+, kinda tricky). read more

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Helping My Son Get Ready For His First Day of School

For those of you who have children in school, you must know how I’m feeling right now about my first – and only – child starting school. You know, those nervous and exciting feelings intertwining and running amok in your veins and you’re not quite sure how to handle them?

Well, that’s me to a T these days. My son is starting school in less than a month and I’m wondering how in this life of mine has time gone by so quickly. I mean, there are days when I can feel myself actually aging because time is moving as slow as it possibly can. Yet, here we are, pulling a Jurassic World backpack and blue lunch bag off the shelves and into my already full cart. Water bottle? Check. Splash pants? Check. Box of tissues beside the door and in the car ready for the day I need to send my tiny human off into the world on his own? Check – but remember to get some backup. read more

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To My Son With Love On Your Birthday: A Letter From Your Mommy

To My Boy On Your 4th Birthday,

Four years have gone by as fast as the sparkles extinguished on the cheap dollar-store sparklers we got to celebrate. While the days seem to move at a turtle’s pace, the time runs as quick as a road-runner. One minute we’re counting down the seconds to bed time and the next you’re a whole year older than you were.

Today is not just your day, but it’s our day too. We waited a long time for you to join us – and then some. First it felt like forever to get pregnant and I was losing hope that it would happen. When I had a miscarriage, I felt more defeated than ever. But then there was you, the light we were waiting for. read more

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Why I Don’t Do Diets or Cleanses: This Is My Reality

It’s getting close to summer and everyone is racing to lose those extra 5, 10, 15 pounds they consumed over the cold winter months. For me, the gorging was unstoppable. I drank and ate whatever and whenever I wanted. I left all my insecurities outside in the freezing cold and was able to shut the door on them.

Until now.

Now that the warmer weather is floating in, I’m left feeling bloated. Not just that, my face has broken out and I feel heavy and frumpy. I don’t feel like myself. I regret the way I’ve eaten and the promises I broke to myself in favour of gluttony. It was fun while it lasted, but now I’m paying the price. read more

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Breaking Down The Door: Let’s Talk About Mental Illness

The recent passing of celebrities Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have opened up the conversations we need to keep having: mental illness is a real thing and while invisible, it can be debilitating and lonely. It is not enough to only talk about it when it occurs. We need to keep that conversation going, to ensure people that they are not alone.

Last year I wrote a piece on the passing of Chester Bennington, a brilliant musician who lost his battle with depression and died by suicide. Today, after hearing about the second celebrity suicide in one week, I revisited that piece. I took time to reread I was reminded why I wrote it. read more

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The Day I Looked In The Mirror: Being Worth The Time And Energy

Post haircut

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had moments – many moments – where I’ve looked like my mood. You know? Like the way you feel is directly represented in the outfit you chose, or the way your hair looks defines your life at the time. Looking back on the past twenty years or so, I see a lot of mood in the way I presented myself. A lot of negative mood, if I’m being honest.

The morning I went for a hair cut was the morning I took a long look at myself in the mirror.  My hair looked like a bird set up shop on my head. It was literally starting to dread itself. All it needed was a few twigs from the trees outside and you’d think I was gunning to be a model for one of those extreme fashion shows. It was limp in some areas, nappy in others, and I couldn’t tame it for the life of me. read more

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Sleeping With the Enemy – When You Are Your Worst Critique

The other day, I bumped into an old acquaintance. She’s pretty judgmental and I always feel like I have to prove something to her. She gives me that disapproving look that says it all: you’re not good enough. She’s the worst.

Unfortunately, this acquaintance is a little more than an acquaintance. I’ve know her forever. Literally, forever. This acquaintance is me.

I’m my worst enemy when it comes to judgment.

I have this unrealistic vision of how things should be like and how my child should behave. I think, I must be a bad mom since my kid is refuses to calm down like I’ve asked. read more

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I’m Exactly Where I Need To Be – A Little Birthday Perspective

Another year has gone by and I have a lot to look back on, particularly, the post I wrote last year after my birthday: Not Where I Thought I’d Be At 38 . While there was truth to that post, I’m taking a different look at my life and surroundings this year, through the eyes of 39.

Thirty-Nine. Big number, huh? I can honestly say that this past year has been better and more rewarding than the last. I can also say that I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year and what I want out of my life. You can say that I’ve gained a bit of perspective, and I have writing to thank for some of that. Looking back on the recordings of my life during the past year, I can visually see all my ups and downs and recognize patterns and so that I can make the changes I need to make to be happy. read more

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The Women Of My Tribe

They say it takes a village to raise a child and I couldn’t agree more. But that village is also needed to keep the parents of these children semi-sane in this carnival we all willingly became a part of. I mean, let’s all be honest. Parenting challenges everything – including your friendships – and I’m lucky enough to be part of a tribe that has stuck together through it all.

My tribe resembles an old tree, whose roots are deeply embedded into the ground. With over twenty years of friendship, we are as tight as the knot we tie in our kids’ shoelaces. read more

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