Author: theantsybutterflyadmin

The One Where Bernadette Has the Baby-Blues

The holidays are over and my television shows come back on. One of the shows that returned is The Big Bang Theory. I watch this show on and off but I did manage to catch Thursday’s episode (okay, I recorded it so I watched it Friday, but I did watch it).

I admit I got emotional when the show moved on to Howard, Bernadette and their new baby girl. Bernadette came out of the room dressed in sweats and looking exhausted. After spending two hours trying to get her daughter to sleep, she succeeded. Seconds later the men came home, and a few more seconds after that, the baby woke up and started crying again. At that moment, I felt her pain. I felt her frustration. I felt her defeat. We had a very hard time putting our son down for a nap when he was an infant. He would nap maybe twice a day for twenty-minutes at a time. Napping was not his forte and he was nicknamed the Anti-Napper. read more

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Why We Should All Put Down that “How To Be A Parent” Book

Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet difficult job I’ve ever walk into. It’s got ups and downs, pros and cons, trials and tribulations, but at the end of the day, I can look at the face of my little guy and be proud. I created life!

Two years ago, I go pregnant with my first (and to be only) child. Of course, there was the advice that came from the people we loved most in the world, our family and friends. That advice was helpful and welcomed. I had also chosen to read up on a bunch of expectant mother books and articles, all providing me with an overdose of information. I retrospect, I found the advice from my family and friends less intense and confusing than the books and articles I was reading. read more

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Confessions from a Woman Who Once Judged You: This Mama Is Sorry

Before we had our son, I thought I knew everything about raising kids and that I was prepared. I was a know-it-all. I had all the answers. I felt like I was at the top of that game. I thought since I had a background in psychology, I am an aunt, I have friends with kids, and I work with kids that I was set. “I’ve got this”. I’m great with kids and kids take to me. I’m approachable and fun. “I’ve got this”. Sure you do Karen, sure you do.

Truth is, I did not “have this”. Mrs. Know-it-all quickly became Mrs. I’m-sorry-I-was-an-ass-and-judged-you very quickly after I had my son. It wasn’t long after I gave birth that I apologized to all my friends and my sister. I told them I was sorry if I ever made them feel judged or if I was ever unsupportive, because I was sure I had at one point or another. They were good about it and all of them gave me a pass. read more

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When Daycare is Closed

When my son was in daycare, I sent him off five days a week, even if I wasn’t working. I used the given time I had at home to catch up on chores, write articles, and work on the latest course I was taking.

One night, my daycare called to cancel for the next two days for personal reasons.

That’s okay, I tell her, I understand.

I remember the thought sinking in like slime oozing out it’s container: what will I do with my kid for the next two days?

My anxiety set in: how are you going to entertain him for two whole days? read more

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My Battle with Body Dysmorphia

Weight has been an issue I have carried with me since I was in elementary school. My first memory of body dissatisfaction was in grade three. My class was doing an activity and we were all asked to all weigh ourselves. There was more to the activity and it had nothing to do with our weight per se, but weighing ourselves was a part of it. I was in line and saw the weight of the girl in front of me. I can’t remember the number, but I remember the feeling I had after I stepped on the scale and saw that my number was bigger. As a child who was eight or nine at the time, I had my first “I’m fat” moment. I have a hard time recalling where that thought would have come from because I have no recollection of ever being told I was overweight. read more

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How I Won the Fight: the Battle over the Green Dinosaur Sippy Cup

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After a long night trying to get our toddler to go to sleep, he apologizes to us by waking up at 7:00am instead of his usual 6-6:30am wake up time. He is officially forgiven for the strain he caused last night. I go into his room, turn on the lights, and give him a big kiss. “Good morning! Let’s get changed.” He’s up later than usual so I bring with me one of my homemade mini-muffins and milk so that I can get him changed while he has something to eat. I’ve got a half hour to get him dressed and out the door to take him to daycare and get me to work. But we hit a snag. I’ve given him the wrong milk cup. It’s not his green dinosaur cup, it’s his yellow ninja turtle cup. My mistake. And this mistake is the cause of the meltdown-morning we ended up having. Wow, it sure is amazing how things can go from good to bad so quickly in a toddler’s life. read more

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My Decision to Go Back on Mental Health Medication

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My decision to go back on medication was not taken lightly. It certainly wasn’t a decision I made overnight. It’s been a lingering thought I tried to push back for months now. I’ve exhausted all my self-help go-tos and now I’m ready to admit to myself that I need to go back on medication. This isn’t the first time, and I don’t believe it will be the last.

I’m not sure why it took so long to make this decision. I’ve been on medication before. In fact, I’ve been on and off medication for the past 20+ years. This is nothing new to me. And while I want to be able to fight my battle “on my own,” the rational part of my mind is telling me enough is enough. I need help. Take the help. I’m ready to admit I need it. read more

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I have an Evil Twin Named Anxiety

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On my way to pick up my son from daycare, I started getting ideas for my writing projects, and of course, I’m couldn’t write those ideas down. My anxiety started to build, but hey, I’m a pro at this by now, and I could handle this. Suddenly, like a sign from the stars who wish to cut me some slack, the school bus in front of me stopped to let off some kids, and I had a quick moment to jot my ideas down on the random Post-its I have in the center consul of my car. Thank you, Mr. or Mrs. Bus Driver, for giving me a break. You managed to settle my nerves for a whole 15 very welcomed seconds. read more

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My Son Has an Anxious Mother

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As I sit at the computer thinking of how to put into words to explain how my son has an anxious mother, my anxiety rises. I think of who will read this and what will they think of me. Will they skip to the end to see how it ends? Will they empathize me? Will they pity me? Or will they think I’m unfit to be a mother if I have so much anxiety? What will they think of me? I talk myself out of it and encourage myself to keep writing because it’s OK. Because hundreds if not thousands of mothers have anxiety.  read more

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I Was Ready to Have My Son Until I Wasn’t – Depression’s Toll on Motherhood

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I was ready to have my kid when I first got pregnant.

I was ready to have my kid after I felt it’s first kick.

I was ready to have my kid when I first found out I was having a boy.

I was ready to have my son after what felt like a long, hard, and painful pregnancy.

I was ready to have my son when he was due.

I was ready to have my son when he was ten days overdue.

And then everything changed.

I was ready to give up my son when he had his first non-stop cry fit at the hospital while I was still recovering from an emergency C-section and couldn’t calm him down. read more

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