It’s getting close to summer and everyone is racing to lose those extra 5, 10, 15 pounds they consumed over the cold winter months. For me, the gorging was unstoppable. I drank and ate whatever and whenever I wanted. I left all my insecurities outside in the freezing cold and was able to shut the door on them.
Now that the warmer weather is floating in, I’m left feeling bloated. Not just that, my face has broken out and I feel heavy and frumpy. I don’t feel like myself. I regret the way I’ve eaten and the promises I broke to myself in favour of gluttony. It was fun while it lasted, but now I’m paying the price.
All over my social media are ads for different ways lose those extra pounds. Such ads include Shakeology, 21 Pounds in 21 Days, Hydroxycut, and Whole 30. My world, they are all so appealing to me, however, I’m keeping my distance.
Now, before I give you my reason why I’m steering clear of the various weight loss methods out there, I need you to understand that I am not bashing these practices in any way. I know they work for some people, but for me, they read “danger” in red bold letters splashed across them.
You see, I have a long history of disordered eating. I live with Body Dysmorphia Disorder and, over the years, I’ve taken on several bad habits to lose weight. I’ve done diets, fad diets, popped more pills than I can remember, drank teas, counted calories, and tried cutting out foods. I even once tried a colon cleanse that ended poorly. Once I get it in my head to start diet or a cleanse, my obsessions come flooding back in like the water over a broken dam. I get caught in the storm and I have a hard time getting out.
Now being a gorger with limited willpower, it takes a lot for me stay in control. It’s not unheard of for me to binge and then work out excessively with the hope to lose the weight. I’ve gotten a lot better at managing my impulses, but I still go through this at least once a month.
My love for food and my need to be thin are at a constant battle.
I know that if I try to use one of these weight loss methods, I will go downhill. Fast. I can’t risk it. It’s taken me too long to get where I am right now and I’m not even where I want to be. My work on accepting my body as it is is a slow process, but it is moving forward. With the help of the Body-Positivity campaign and people all over the media tearing down the one-size-fits-all age-old idea of what the body “should” look like, a difference in being made and I’m coming around.
One of my biggest fears is having my son witness my old habits that are harmful. I don’t want him to know that his mom is insecure about her body. I don’t want him to hear my sobs as I look at myself in the mirror while pulling back my rolls and lifting my skin. And while he witnesses me weighing myself on a regular basis, I don’t make a peep when I see that I am a few pounds heavier than I want to be. This all here is enough to make me want to continue down my path in recovery.
Not being able to indulge in my preferred methods of weight loss allows me to practice healthy self-care and my family has got my back. We cook healthy foods and my son is an awesome motivator. While he doesn’t really eat the foods we make because he’s four and eating is rarely on his list of things to do these days, I still make them because this is what I want him eat, should he decide he’s hungry one day. I’ve cut myself some slack in the workout department as well, because sometimes life is better when it’s lived than when it’s not. Sometimes that after-work workout isn’t going to happen because coffee with a friend is more fulfilling. And that’s okay.
I don’t want to be controlled by this obsession to look a certain way.
The ads may dangle in front of my face like candy to a child, but I resist.
I resist because I have to.
I need to do this the old fashion way and if it takes me a little longer, then so be it.