Learning to Forgive Myself

 Our toddler has upped his game by pushing every boundary and button he possibly can.

I find myself losing my patience with him more quickly these days and my lack of control is worrisome for me.

I find myself wanting him to conform to who I want him to be and what I want him to do. It’s easy to forget that he is his own person, trying to make sense of the world I brought him into. He needs more time and I need to learn to give it to him.

Unfortunately, I let my anxiety and impulsiveness get the best of me at his expense. read more

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This Woman Was Beautiful and I Wanted to Tell Her

We live down the street from a beach so there’s nothing stopping us from going to for a swim when it’s hot out during the summer. This perk is one of the very many things I love about living where I do.

After I finished stuffing my face with tacos, we got dressed and took off to the beach. Luckily, because it was six pm, there were very few people there. As we walked into the beach area, I noticed a full-figured woman on her phone. She was striking, like, stop and stare striking. But I had no time to be creepy as I had to catch up with my kid. read more

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I Took a Toy From My Son and I Felt Great

I took a toy away from my son because he just wouldn’t listen.

I took a toy away from my son and while I felt empowered and knew it was the right thing to do, I still hurt inside.

Allow me to give you some background information. My son is three and he is embracing the age as if this is the greatest battle he will need to fight. My son is strong-willed, determined, stubborn, and persistent.

His presence is known.

Lately, it’s been nearly impossible to get him to listen. I know other parents can sympathize. I know we aren’t the only parents going through this, but it sure feels like we are. I am, like I imagine other parents are, convinced his ears are clogged with some powerful soundproof substance that is only removed when words that sound like “cookie”, “park”, or “ice cream” come to the surface. His selective listening skills are impeccable. read more

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My Breastfeeding Nightmare

A few weeks ago, I was looking for a notebook for a reason I can’t remember. It was clearly important enough for me to find one because I looked in the guest room closet, a closet I rarely go into.

There, on the top shelf, was a notebook. I immediately recognized it as the one I got for myself after my son was born. I couldn’t remember exactly why I hid it, but I felt hostility towards it. I pulled it off the shelf and I opened it up.

Within seconds of opening the notebook, all the emotions I felt during that time 3 years ago came rushing in like a tsunami wave. The emotions crashed down on me harder than I expected. I remembered then why I had put this notebook away, hoping to never see it again. read more

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I Work Part-Time But My Son is in Full-Time Daycare

Daycare is closed this week and, because it’s summer and I’m not working, I’m home with my son. It’s just me and my mini-human. All day, every day. For five days straight.

Throughout the week, and during my temporary stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) duty, I’ve been thinking about what it takes to be a SAHM and the thoughts are just as exhausting to me as actually staying home. This week has been the confirmation I’ve looked for ever since I made the decision not to be a SAHM.

By mid-week I was ready to pack up my child and ship him off back to daycare. It’s not that I don’t love our time together, because I do. It’s just that I cannot entertain him like daycare can. I don’t have the patience that daycare has. And because my son is an only child and daycare is full of other kids, my son looks to me for play time and it’s exhausting. read more

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50 Thoughts That Run Through My Mind in the Morning

Last week, That’s Inappropriate posted 50 THOUGHTS THAT RUN THROUGH MY MIND FROM SUNRISE TO SUNSET.

I clicked on the article to open it and laughed the entire way through. This is motherhood! This is real! I’m not the only mama whose mind is on overdrive!

When I finished reading the post, I started thinking about what goes on in my own mind during the day, since my brain never seems to want to shut off.

However, instead of writing my thoughts during the day, I decided to jot down the 50 thoughts that come to me in the morning, since that’s when my day starts and when my mind starts to drive me crazy. The mornings are busy and, to be honest, my one child makes me feel like there are five children running around asking me (whining rather) for this and that. read more

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It’s Time We Start Talking and End the Stigma Surrounding Suicide

“I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter”

I remember when I first heard the song “In the End” by Linkin Park. My sister was watching the video on the television when I came downstairs. I immediately fell in love with Chester Bennington’s voice. I immediately feel in love with the way Chester Bennington looked. I was fascinated with him. I loved how he sang the lyrics to the song and wanted to hear more. I had always hoped to see him, and the band of course, perform live. read more

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When Anxiety Makes It Difficult to Leave the House

For me, leaving the house can be a difficult situation.

There are times when I’m getting ready to go out and I become overcome with anxiety.

I start to wonder if I need to go out. I find myself weighing my options. I act as if the decision to leave the house is life-changing. But it’s not. And I know this.

For years, I thought the feelings I had when getting ready to go out were caused by anticipation. It wouldn’t be until years later that I realized these feelings – the nauseating and painful feelings – were actually a result of anxiety. read more

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A Note to All Mamas Out There

To the mom whose child is freaking out on the floor in the grocery store:
I’ve been there and I feel you. I don’t think my child will ever stop testing my patience.

To the mom who chooses to breastfeed:
Way to go! Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t breastfeed in public!

To the mom who wants to breastfeed but can’t get her baby to latch:
I’ve been there. You’re not failing. Breastfeeding is hard.

To the mom who chooses to bottle feed:
You’re feeding your child the way you want to and what’s best for your family. You’re awesome. Please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. read more

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Dear Anxiety: It’s Time for You to Go

Hey, you!

Yeah, you — I’m talking to you. You’ve interfered with my life for long enough. It’s time for you to sit down and listen to what I have to say:

Anxiety, you have got to go. You have overstayed your welcome, that is, as if you were ever welcomed in the first place. You’ve held me down. You’ve got too involved. You’ve hurt my relationships and friendships time and time again, and you are now getting too involved with my relationship with my son. You have got to go.

Years ago, when we first met, I was around 15 and I thought you were a product of my teenage hormones. Together with your good friend depression, you’ve toppled right over me and led me on this ridiculous roller coaster of emotions and mental illness for the past 20-plus years. You started out slow and then totally took over. You’ve grabbed the steering wheel to my life and I want it back for good. read more

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